Pain 0/10

I take a breath,

The air is fresh and cool and smells of lake water, Pungent, earthy,

Like home

I leap from the rock Landing with ease

I run to catch up with my friends We splash in the water

Laughing

I take another leap

Plunging into the cold water below, Air knocked out

Exhilaration knocked in I burst from the water Smiling

I scale the cliffside Slipping only once But catching myself Confident.

10/10

Hours after I fell

During my tame walk home from clinic, I sit in the emergency room.

Leg in a makeshift split.

The orthopedics resident,

Hasn’t looked me in the eye once.

It starts with a shock of lightning My screams are the thunder

I beg them to stop, but—

They don’t.

They ignore me.

The keep pressing The bones—

I feel them—

Grinding against each other. The most unnatural feeling I’m nauseous.

“This isn’t working,”

I hear one of the residents say.

To the other (Not me)

“We have to be more aggressive.” I try to speak—

But it’s cut off

By another press Another slam

Another grind And I scream Scream Scream.

My friend reaches for my shoulder— To comfort me

I slap him away. It’s visceral—

It’s primal—

All I can see is pain.

5/10

It feels like I’m caught in a bear trap. Like the metal inside me

Digs in from the outside Viscous teeth

Tearing tendon and muscle Or that a dog

Gnaws on my leg like a bone

Brief moments of respite before Chomping down again

I’d gnaw my own leg off if I could. I want to do well.

I try to keep up with the team -

(I used to run I used to jump I used to leap I used to hike I used to climb I used to be able to walk the hall —)

But the teeth bite down harder. I catch my breath,

Leaning against an empty hospital bed They turn a corner

And I am alone.

I swallow another pill In an hour

Maybe it will dull

Maybe.

I’m trying to learn But it’s so hard.

I think back to what I used to do, How I used to move

So effortless, so free

That primal part of me

Wants to break free from that trap Leap from the predator

But now? This time?

My body is my own enemy.

I limp into the exam room, Brace around my ankle.

(It’s better than the cast, at least.)

I smile and introduce myself

When I ask the patient to rate their pain I finally have a reference.